You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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