Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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