oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
