Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
