I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
