True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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