I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
