There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
