Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
