I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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