I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
My balls are so social today.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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