just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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