If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
