my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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