too bad you live with your parents still
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
