I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
