Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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