What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
