I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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