idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
