do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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