youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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