U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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