do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
A+ Viking dick
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
