Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
