You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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