I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
