Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
