i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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