I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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