God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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