I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
