first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
