Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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