I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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