Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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