I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Is it because I queefed?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
