I am puke
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
