Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
