I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
