I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
