Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
