why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
