rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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