someone threw a dead crab at me
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
