I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
