Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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