All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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