my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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