Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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