My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
